Cupid: The Secrets He’s Hidden From You

Cupid, in his silly Cupid outfithas hidden a lot secrets from you. All through the years, scores of people have been depending on good old cupid to find them love on Valentine’s Day. What he’s never told you is that he’s merely window dressing. He’s hopeless at matching people up with their ‘perfect date’ (if there’s even such a thing). In fact, Cupid is a downright, big, fat fake. Here’s why.


Cupid goes about completely naked

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When he approaches the person you fancy dressed in that outfit, they’re likely to think that you’re a perverted nutter just like he is. You would think that with all the money celebrities make these days, a person as popular as he is could afford to get himself at least a GAP outfit and a decent pair of shoes.


Cupid's choice of weapon – an arrow – is so yesterday

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We all know that Cupid's line of business can get rough sometimes. Having to approach all sorts of people is no easy task. We agree that he has to protect himself against a potential mugging (I wonder where he keeps his wallet) or an attack. But an arrow? For crying out loud, an arrow? Even one of those pen knives that does everything (you know the ones with all the attachment thingies) would be better for stabbing than a stupid flimsy arrow with hearts attached to it.


Cupid’s such a ‘Mummy’s boy’

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Cupid's mother, Aphrodite was so jealous of Psyche’s beauty that she told her son Cupid to shoot her with an arrow to make her fall in love with the ugliest man alive. Cupid, in a hurry to do Mummy’s bidding, pierced himself by accident with one of his own arrows and fell in love with her himself. Classic amateur!


Cupid’s overweight

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Thing is, on its own this wouldn’t be a problem, except for the fact that as your representative, Cupid should make a little more effort on your behalf. Granted, he is responsible for all the Valentine's day chocolate presents on the 14th of February every year. And granted, that sometimes he probably can’t help but tuck into them himself. But a man with that kind of responsibility should know better.


Cupid spends hours in front of the mirror doing his perfect curls

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I understand he’s proud that he’s been able to hold onto all that hair for such a long time. After all Cupid’s a very old chap. But never trust a man who spends so much time in front of a mirror doing his face and hair; especially if he’s the type of fellow who thinks it’s all right to leave home without his pants.


He’s only around a couple of weeks a year

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Cupid is only around a couple of weeks a year, leaving you holding the baby (so to speak) the cupid wings, and the arrows for the rest of the time. Other than that, he’s on a secret location in Tonga playing golf and sipping champagne. (You don’t see Max Clifford and other publicists doing that, do you). If you needed a refund or an exchange, you wouldn’t find him to give it to you. Not a good set-up by anyone’s standards. Poof, he’s in. Poof, he’s out.

Cupid's permanent grin: who would trust him to be serious?

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With that permanent grin on his face, who would take him seriously? What if I fancied someone who didn’t like the look of me one bit? A little roughing up might be required. How could my representative do the necessary beating (or kidnapping as the case may be) with that cheesy grin on his face?


Cupid's headband is way too glitzy

Never trust a man who wears women’s hair bands. Nuff said!

In the divorce settlement, Cupid would get everything
When Cupid left his wife Psyche, he took everything with him including the garden, leaving her homeless and living in a field. If that is not a warning for what he would do to you, then there’s no hope for you at all.


Last and most obvious – Cupid’s a baby

Babies spend all their time producing slimy stuff through all the orifices of their bodies. The last thing they want to do is to find you love.
Happy Valentine's day! No thanks to Cupid!
However, if you think you could do a better job, here's some Cupid costume. Make yourself useful. :-)
And if you need some real ways to find love, perhaps Cupid isn't the place to go.