Best Relationship Help For Women In Their 30s+

This article provides relationship help for 30+ women who have had a hard time playing the dating gameIt's not aimed at people looking for a fling, but at women who're ready to find someone to marry and spend the rest of their lives with.

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love is in the air
You may be at the point of giving up because it seems the right man you’re looking for has not yet been made. Sometimes it seems like every man you meet is a potential date and future partner, but then something, or everything goes wrong and you find with each disappointment, that your heart becomes increasingly more desperate to find that someone.  Not any more! Here are some tips on how to first prepare YOU before putting yourself back on the market, then help to go back out there and find your love relationship when you’re well and truly ready.
(As an added bonus, there is also a list of various, useful online dating services at the end of this article).


Find me love

We don’t need men we want them
I have to begin this particular article on dating and relationship by saying that as modern, independent, working women, we don’t need men - we want them.
We have our careers, our friends and family and fabulous, established, social lives.  Most women in their thirties already have their own homes so when it comes to men in our lives, we’ve made the choice that we now want to share our lives with them. It’s perfectly fine to be on your own, but if you feel that the time has come for you to settle down, (but it’s been a hard job finding the right man with whom to do so), these tips should certainly help.

Find yourself before you set out to find a serious love relationship

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work out who you are
If you have no idea of who you are, it will be difficult for a partner to know where he stands with you, (even if it’s just on-line dating). Thing is, if he doesn’t know who you are, how will he know how to love you?

The energy you spend becoming desperate is the energy that should be used to expand your horizons.  Talk to five couples who have been together happily for more than ten years and ask them how they met and fell in love, I am sure you will find that not many of them were looking for someone at the time they found their soul mate.  Love will find you, just hardly ever when you are looking for it. 

When you’re on the look-out, you search in all the obvious places - places in which other people are busy looking themselves.  If  you do find someone in one of these places, it is likely to be someone who is already so desperate, that he is even willing to hide his true self in fear of not being accepted by the other judgemental ‘searchers’.  Any relationship based on falsehood does not go the full mile. Instead of being a ‘searcher,’ find and enrich yourself so that when you’re found, you’ll be a perfect catch. 
Pick something from this list that suits you, and make yourself complete for someone you’ll eventually attract.

Learn a new language
Join a book club
Volunteer at a local centre
Train for the marathon
Join a cycling club in your area

Have realistic expectations when seeking a love relationship

It is important to remember that the person we have in our head is someone we have made up.  He is as real as the pretend superhero games we played when we were growing up. He does not exist and never will!  Not in real life anyway. Therefore, it is futile and slightly insane to judge every man you date by the perfect man of your fantasies. 
People are who they chose to be, and love is about accepting a person as they are - with their faults.  A man or a woman is not imperfect because he/she has a few faults. You can still fall short of what you aim for while still believing in it

An imperfect person is one who has not yet realised that our faults are what make us strive to advance, and that without them we would all be arrogant, self-righteous beings, who’re too proud to allow ourselves to be loved. Take into consideration that the bald spot in the centre of his head, or the way his thumb jerks out at three-o-clock when he dances is as 'detrimental to his existence' as the few extra pounds we carry around on our bottoms.

Of course there are fundamental ideals in a person that we simply cannot overlook whether they are habits like chain smoking, profuse swearing or eating with his mouth open; or more serious things like being lazy, dishonest or a criminal.  These things are understandably distasteful and should not be compromised. 

On the other hand, that doctor you want to find might not be tall, dark and rich. Your soul mate might be a dentist struggling to start his own practise, he might be medium height and nearly bald.  If you met this man at a pub you won’t speak to him twice.  Whereas if you got to know him, you’ll love him despite him not having the dark head of hair you envisioned in your dreams.

It takes time to find the love relationship you want

Keep in mind that it is better to wait and have a relationship full of bliss than to have false start after false start. The more of these you have, the more time you waste and the more desperate you become and the ‘searcher’ in you tends to start sending out desperate vibes. 

Don’t be afraid to wait. Take time off to see yourself grow into becoming the woman you thought you would be - someone you respect and love.  Treat yourself to evening classes and boost your self confidence by becoming fit.  Confidence shining from within is the light that catches the eye of the kind of man you want to be the father of your children some day.  The attractive IT consultant who you meet in a bar in a drunken stupor may still prefer to be out getting drunk, while you’re at home taking care of the kids.  Have the confidence to attract the kind of person you want to be attracted to you.

Become your dream man’s equal

When looking for your love relationship, you’re looking for a decent man who’s sensitive and caring - a man who knows how to have fun, but one who does not seek his pleasure at the expense of everything and everyone else.  You want someone who would be a dedicated father, a man who, if  he had a choice between you and his friends, would be content to sit and watch a film at home with you, rather than going out to party with his pals.  This is all good, but you can be certain that such a man is looking for a woman who’s a sensible drinker, and a decent woman who hasn’t been around the block. One who takes pride in the way she dresses, the way she looks, and the image she presents to society. He is looking for a woman he would be proud to call his wife and a good mother to his children. 

In other words, you cannot expect to come across this ‘great’ man you’re looking for if you haunt the local bars every night of the week, because he doesn’t hang out there.  On the flip side of the dating coin, the ‘bad boy’ who takes you partying every night, is not the man who would make you chicken soup and come by to wash up your dirty dishes when you’re ill.

Preparing to find your dream date is like getting ready for parenthood.  The cot, the bottles and nappies are bought a long way in advance.  Likewise, when you find yourself ready for a settled relationship, make sure that the ground work on yourself  has already been laid.

Now you’re ready, put yourself out there and find that relationship you deserve!

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Stay away from bars and clubs.  A mature woman (unless she’s looking for an older teenager or man in his twenties) should look for her date at a more respectable place.
We have to face it, if a man in his thirties/forties is still hanging out at the local disco, he’s obviously looking for a younger woman and not necessarily ready to settle down quite yet.  Here are some alternative places you could visit. The man you want is likely to be hanging out here.

Local book shops
Museums
Sports clubs like Badminton, Tennis, swimming etc
High street cafes
Cinema houses which specialise in classic movies
Volunteering and other groups which are involved in aid work
Churches
Libraries
Sporting events like athletics or cycle racing.
Car sales events
Cycling in the evenings on cycle paths

Or you could try the following popular online dating sites. (U.K only - mostly, but I’m sure there are equivalents of these in different countries)

Popular online dating sites to find that love relationship

Christian dating: (e-Harmony) I'm recommending this one not because I've used them, but because I believe and agree with their practises. Someone close to me just got married to the man of her dreams, who she found on this site. 
General online dating, here’s a popular site - salisbury dating
If you are a parent, and would rather date another parent go here dating for parents
Another dating site with mostly professional people, where women sign up for free  girls date for free
If you’re over fifty and looking for a date over fifty
These two sites will make the match for you and take the stress out of it UK match  professional matchmaking
If you want to date someone in the navy or if you are in the navy yourself, go to this site. Civilians too are welcome navy dating

With this wealth of information, I hope that you can begin to see that dating and relationships are not as scary as they seem to be.  With the right sort of preparation and relationship help  anyone is capable of a lasting, happy relationship. If people all around you are finding them, so can you!


Please feel free to share your own dating tips.  We have a discussion about online dating where you're welcome to share your views. Also check out our singles page for more helpful articles.

5 comments:

Icy BC July 12, 2011 at 12:21 PM  

Anne, you have always provided useful, and thoughtful ideas on relationship. I'm at the stage of contentment, and realize that my dream man has not yet been made!

Ching Ya July 18, 2011 at 12:17 PM  

Interesting. :-) I was smiling when I saw "I am sure you will find that not many of them were looking for someone at the time they found their soul mate. " SO TRUE! My man came when I least expected him and it's amazing how love can really find you. It doesn't matter if now he/she isn't there yet, be ready and prepare yourself when the time comes. Build your character and enjoy life, when one door closes another one opens.

Anne Lyken-Garner July 18, 2011 at 8:43 PM  

Icy, I think we've established there's no such thing :-)

Anne Lyken-Garner July 18, 2011 at 8:44 PM  

That's right, Ching Ya! I'm glad you've found someone you're happy with.

Self Sagacity July 22, 2011 at 5:48 AM  

Such an informative post! I can't believe there is a wealth of information in this article. Thanks for sharing. I could use a refresher as to why I am with a man.

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Anne Lyken-Garner is a published author, editor and freelance writer. Her specialities include relationships and confidence building. You can find her inspirational memoir here.
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