Girlie Things Men Should Do

I published Girlie Things Men Should Do in 2007 and it created a lot of laughs for a whole lot of people. Since I like to have a bit of fun at intervals here on the Relationship blog, I thought I'd give it an edit and a fresh airing to see what you thought of it. Many of the amusing differences alluded to in this article are blamed for nagging relationship issues (we deal with on this blog) between men and women. Perhaps if men did find a bit of pleasure from the following, we could get rid of a lot of our reasons for rubbing each other the wrong way. 

Girlie things men should do

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Men should pull each other’s hair in a fight like girls do

Women do it all the time, it’s a very useful activity indeed as it instantly renders the opposition unable to move.  This would prove indispensable in a game of football (soccer) when men are happily prancing around the field in their designer shorts.  Someone pushes the player who’s got the ball, tripping him up and causing him to lose control and land on his hand, upsetting the manicure on his divine fingers.  Of course, there is no person on earth who’d say that the perpetrator, million pounds purchase or not, doesn’t deserve to have his gelled pony-tail slyly yanked by the other players. 

Hair pulling is a very handy move and has proved useful in female fights.  It is surprising that this has not yet caught on in the man-sweat arena.  Pulling each other’s hair would be a wise tactic to introduce into testosterone-angry sport.  The Beckhams and Henrys of the football field could make use of this when the ref is otherwise busy.  It would be especially beneficial in rugby in the midst of the scrum. Rugby players all over the world would come out of this tight, intimate, muscle-bag meeting with handfuls of man-hair.  The All Blacks in particular would be perfect targets for this since their team is made up of players who have somehow managed to hold on to a large proportion of the world’s remaining man head-hair.

Pulling each other’s hair is definitely something men need to take up.  If it’s good enough for us, it is more than good enough for them.  After all, aren’t cat-fights the most renowned and enjoyable fights in the world!

Men should wear dresses to work  

Trousers are so overrated and sooo yesterday. Nowadays, millions of men all over the world are turning up their fluff-filled noses at heavy, manual, muscle-tearing jobs, in exchange for the types of roles for which you have to wear perfume to work.  They are beginning to understand that being fashionable and ‘with it’ is not only for women, it’s also for them.  Trousers are dull and only come in at most 4 standard colours.  Think of the fun men would have deciding what dress to wear, sleeves or not, strappy or no strap at all (yowza!).  When there is a little arranging to be done, they can simply take a big step, a jump, or a nice long leg stretch.  This would mitigate all the over-the-top arranging and holding themselves in public, especially men who work in catering.

A dress would solve all the snagging problems and would certainly eliminate the need for constant tie and zipper checks.

If women held themselves so often in public, we would be looked at very disapprovingly indeed. 

Men should have hand bags

This is another girlie thing men should do - really. Men are always leaving keys, watches, and glasses all about the house.  Having a hand bag which they could call any of the following names;

Man bag,

dude purse,

burly purly,

rough sac,

brute case, etc, would save valuable time running about in a panic trying to locate all the stuff they usually frantically pat their pockets to find; things which they did not put in there in the first place.

Handbags have a history of being very useful indeed to thwart potential thieves.  A good solid swing of a man bag could see many a pickpocket running for their lives.

Handbags now come in oversized options, they could choose to wear it on the crook of their arm instead of a lady friend.  Who needs to take a lady to the ball, when you could take a large man bag for which you won’t need to buy a drink or impress with silly jokes.

Men should wear their hair long and styled

There is a simple, practical reason for this.   Long hair could be indispensable later when balding starts to occur, as it could be worn in a bun at the front of the head to minimise the area of empty top face.  Not only this, it could be sensibly and tastefully styled upwards, wrapped with a hair band, (into a ponytail) then left to flow into the appearance of a fountain at the top of the head. This would serve a multitude of purposes as it could create extra height for shorter men, give the appearance of a longer, thinner head for men with chubby faces, and get lost in the forest of orifice hair for men who have excess nose and ear hair (orifice hair would then be mistaken for head hair flowing down from the top of the head). Problems solved for the short, fat, bald and ugly variety of the less fairer of the species.

Men should wear bras

This is a male unity, bonding kind of activity. Men should all unite and fight in each other’s navel-fluff corners.  If all men wore bras, then no one would know which ones really needed them and which ones didn’t.  Secondly, doing this would show them how uncomfortable and restricting it can be to wear and hook up one every single day.  They would therefore no longer be so quick to unhook them every little chance they get, then leaving them unhooked inside a woman’s clothes, (because they would know how annoying this is).

Men should try clothes on without the intention of buying  

Again, women do this all the time, it makes waiting for each other to shop quite enjoyable.  Think of all the time men spend sitting mournfully outside fitting rooms willing their wives to stop trying on clothes and go home already. 

All that time, they could happily spend trying on dozens of different outfits instead of attempting-but-failing to keep their eyes off the lingerie (but mostly the women buying the lingerie) displayed around the changing rooms. 

Men should stop 'resting their eyes'

 If you want to sleep, sleep. Don't lie about it.  You’re not fooling anyone.  It’s okay to say that you fell asleep while playing with the baby and while you’re meant to be watching the dinner.

Men should have some time for PMS

Wait, did you think you actually had to menstruate before you suffered from PMS?  See, that’s where you’re going wrong all this time.  It’s fun, just be nasty to everyone, snap at the littlest of remarks, be sarcastic, and when you’re asked, “How can I help?” by your spouse, say, “If I’ve got to tell you how you can help, then I can see that you don’t really want to help, do you.” 

Stomp your foot hard and walk away with a little swing in your waist; not too much of a big swing though in case this makes your bottom look too fat.

Spend a week like this and apologise all round when you feel like it.  It’s easy to do, just decide when you want to do it, click your finger and watch everyone tip toe around you. (Okay, I had to give you your own back. I've been too mean to you throughout this piece). 

If you enjoyed 'Girlie Things Men Should Do' please share it on your social networking sites. Can you think of any other girlie things men would have fun doing? Note: this article is meant to be amusing. Please don't think I'm serious.