Relationship Help Forum: Find Your Love, Lose Your Love

This blog is affiliated to a relationship forum that has helped a lot of women stand on their own two feet where their relationships are concerned. Every couple of months (or so) we feature another real relationship crisis and its solution to help you with your love life. Of course, all names and identifiable details are changed to protect identities. Here’s *Kathy’s story. Have you had a similar 'find your love' experience?

She found her love relationship
I’m really young, but for some stupid reason seem to have met the love of my life early – in high school. Although, this year, we haven’t officially “gone out”, we’ve been extremely close and I realised about 6 months ago that I was completely and utterly in love with him. At the time this came as a happy realisation, and I thought – because of the things he said and did – that he felt the same way about me.

He had another love relationship
However, I then found out, not directly from him, that he “liked” another girl. I was very confused by this and asked him if it was true. He only admitted that it was, the third time I asked. Apparently he was torn, and could not choose between the two of us. Naturally, my heart was bruised by this severely. I got advice from friends to go for it and snatch him before the other girl did, but attempting this only got me more wound up in the whole matter and more in love. Later I saw her texts on his phone, and then saw them at several different events flirting and kissing passionately. My heart was crushed.
She lost her love relationship
I cried solidly for weeks. I wrote poems and verses. I painted and drew. I took your advice on getting over a relationship, and yet, after months, nothing seems to work. I’m happy and positive about moving for a little while, but then I talk to him or see him, or I see them both together and my world splits in two and the tears just come back. I lose control.

He doesn’t know what he wants from any relationship
What’s even more confusing is that he still says he has not made up his mind. Why can’t he just chose between us and put me out of my misery? we live in a rural area and it’s hard to avoid them, but my heart strings feel constantly stretched to the point of snapping, as does my mental health.

My relationship help
Dear ‘Kathy’, You’re one of the lucky ones because you found out early how beautiful falling in love could be. I know you won’t believe this, but it happens to us many times in our lives. At this moment you may be thinking that it’s impossible to love anyone as profoundly as you loved this young man, but we have such an unlimited capacity for love in our hearts, that it can and does happen again. You will find your love again.
It’s the same way parents feel after their first child is born. A friend of mine made up his mind right after his daughter was born, that he didn’t want another child because he felt so much love for his daughter, he was sure he couldn’t possibly have any more left to share with another baby. Needless to say, he found out he was wrong.

Devastated at first love
The reason I’m saying this to you is because you seem devastated that your first love has turned out the way it has, and at the moment your desperation comes from the fact that you think you’ve lost something you’ll never, ever find again. It's perfectly natural to feel this way.  Everyone does, but this is not true at all.

Make your own decision to quit a relationship. Don’t leave it up to the other person
It is evident this young man does not love you the way you love him. It’s painful, but you need to realise this in order to move on. It’s not okay to leave the future of your love life in the hands of the man. By this I mean that it’s not right to leave the fate of a potential relationship totally up to him. You can make the decision to say, ‘that’s enough!’ If he felt for you like you do for him, he would’ve been as sure as you are that he wanted you two to be together.
Even if you two enter into a relationship at this point, you will only get hurt. He will always be unsure, and this means he’ll always cheat on you. Trust me, it will be a hundred times more painful then because at that time, you’ll expect more from him in terms of trust and loyalty than you do now.

Find who you are before you find who you want
High school is a time to have fun (and I don’t mean promiscuity) and the second most important thing (first - of course - being your studies) is to find out who you are and what you want. Most people date and test the waters to find out what type of person they would like in the future. Not many people who meet in high school stay together, marry and have kids. There is a reason for this – most people change at the cusp of adulthood.
Time is a great healer, put your head down, study, date other people and you’ll find that it will get better. My advice is not to push a relationship with this young man. He obviously does not really love you. If he did, he would’ve picked you – there would’ve been NO question in his mind at all. Ask yourself this, is there a question in YOUR mind? Would he have to wait for you to choose if the shoe was on the other foot?
You’re smart. Now you have your answer.

What additional relationship advice would you give to 'Kathy'? Have you ever been in this position before? What did you do and what advice really helped you to move on from that doomed relationship? For other Articles for singles, please check out the linked page. As always, thanks for stopping by and leaving your comment. Please share this article with someone you think can benefit from it, and on your social networking sites. Thank you. The other articles in this relationship help forum series are below. 


Unknown December 6, 2011 at 1:48 AM  

Very wise advice.

Self Sagacity December 11, 2011 at 4:22 AM  

I have heard a lot of young women with this dilema. I think your advice is solid. I hope it helps Kathy.

Anne Lyken-Garner is a published author, editor and freelance writer. Her specialities include relationships and confidence building. You can find her inspirational memoir here.
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