How To Get Over Him Forum

I've got a thriving forum about getting over relationships that are particularly hard to forget. When someone very close to me recently lost her loved one for no apparent reason (other then he just walked out), I was deeply affected but couldn't share this forum advice with her, because she won't talk about it.

I'd been away for a long time, but signing into the column again made me realise how many women struggle  with giving up the men who've left them behind. Of course, I've had some men contact me too, but by far, the women have outnumbered them. Here I'll share some of their stories (changed slightly).

Here's what Maria said - and my answer. What would you say to her? NB. Names have been changed.

This is great advice, however, what if it’s been 2 years and the person still consumes your thoughts daily - even though you want to forget him, what do you do? I know it’s unhealthy, but I can’t stop thinking about it, I feel as though I am quietly driving myself mad! I so want to just let go. I really don't need him in my life.

Hi 'Maria', have a look at my response at number 3 and then sit down and have a think about what really went wrong. I don’t know the details, but there must have been a reason for the break-up. Would that reason raise its nasty head again if you should get back together? I am sure that the break-up pain was so great that you’d rather not go through that again, ever. If you don’t want him back, then why worry about him?

You are right that you’re driving yourself mad. Surround yourself with friends who can help to take your mind off him, go out, live your life, because you’ve already lost him and if you continue to let it consume you, you are going to lose yourself as well. It sounds like you’re already losing out on your life that’s happening now.

Moving on is hard, but holding on to something that wasn’t yours in the first place is harder. And most importantly, futile. Maybe he’s the only person who’s loved you in that certain way, so you feel that if you let go of him in your heart, you would be letting go of the love and contentment you felt when he loved you.
This is not true. The love was real so it will always remain in your heart. Contentment, happiness and love can exist in your heart forever without a person opposite you to give them to you.

So, cherish what you once had and keep that ‘good feeling’ but realise that he is gone and move on knowing that you don’t need that person to make you feel good about yourself.

He’s gone, and if you really want to let go as you say you do. You can. This week give yourself 20 minutes a day to think about him, set an alarm and when that time is over, go about your normal business. Next week, set the alarm for 15 minutes. Cut down each week until you get down to 5 minutes two times a week or so. Giving yourself a ‘feel sorry rota’ allows you time to walk away from it and not worry about it all the time.
Good luck with this and let me know if it works.

 What would you say?
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DoanLegacy June 6, 2011 at 4:50 PM  

Great advice! Sometimes, the linger thoughts about that person still around even years later..

Anne Lyken-Garner June 6, 2011 at 6:25 PM  

True. It's good to get closure, but sometimes relationships end so suddenly, it's not possible.

Jon The Sex Advice Expert June 7, 2011 at 2:40 PM  

I think the absolute best way to get over a relationship, having been through this myself is just to practice the buddhist concept of nonattachment. I'm not saying you have to become a buddhist. It's just that when you have a bird in your hand, realize that the bird is not yours. Don't close your hand and crush love. Just allow love to exist, dont try to grasp onto it and never let go. When the right time comes, you will find a love that lasts and the chances are certainly better if you aren't needy and all that. I know this from experience.

Anne Lyken-Garner June 7, 2011 at 10:34 PM  

This is true, Jon. Needy people tend to have an air about them sends out signals of desperation.
Most people want to be with someone who WANTS to spend their lives with them BEFORE they start needing them.

The former signifies an active decision, not a cry of desperation.

college papers June 9, 2011 at 8:59 AM  

yeah the sudden break up of loved one,makes sometime quite hurting but at the end of the day the things remains the same as it had,just memories.
College Papers

Anne Lyken-Garner June 9, 2011 at 12:25 PM  

And memories of past break-ups can be painful. I always say that not all couples are meant to be together. We have to learn to recognise this, then move on with the good memories and the experience we've learned.

Each relationship, good or bad, teach us something different about ourselves, love and togetherness. We have to be wise enough to use this to our advantage for when we meet 'the one'.

Blogger Broadcast June 10, 2011 at 8:40 AM  

Rejection is the hardest thing to face. If someone has left - the best way to think is that they are not leaving you, they are merely finding themselves. If they already left, pray they never will come back. If all fails, find someone else to love.
I have not had this situation happened to me, but if I ever did, I would try all steps here. And perhaps everything else too. :-)

Anne Lyken-Garner June 10, 2011 at 2:12 PM  

I like 'they're only finding themselves'. This is true especially of people who marry or get together very young.
They grow up, change, and that person no longer fits in with who they've become or meets their needs.

Self Sagacity June 11, 2011 at 6:37 AM  

I would be the worst to train. I don't know how to let go if I still have hope. I dwell on it until I am all worn out and then when I am energized again, the thought comes back. You made some good points here Anne. I will need to keep this post close.

Anne Lyken-Garner is a published author, editor and freelance writer. Her specialities include relationships and confidence building. You can find her inspirational memoir here.
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