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Relationship Help Forum: Dumped By Text Message

Another instalment to our regular relationship help forum true stories. Remember that all identifiable details have been edited out and names have been changed. You can find other real life stories on this page: Relationship help forum.

Dear Anne,
I fell in love with this man – he’s 36. I am 46. There were “things” from the start that alarmed me about our relationship and we talked about them. He assured me that he was ready for a relationship, even when I questioned this.

We started out as a long distance relationship as he was in the military. After much talking and planning I ended up taking a temp position in a town 2 hours from where he was, at his insistence. Things were great for a while then he started becoming more and more distant.

I questioned him on this and it always ended up in a wicked fight and with him telling me I was pushing him. He wouldn’t communicate, he would just say, “I just want to be”. I was confused, I’d changed my life for him and had given all of myself without really getting anything in return. As you can imagine it turned ugly, because I felt used and betrayed, especially when he took the coward’s way out and ended our relationship by a text message of all things.



He refused to talk to me either on the phone or face to face. However, he would respond to my angry text messages telling me I knew the truth and I ruined it all. With the help of friends I have been able to pick up the pieces of my life and attempt to move on. I had been doing great, but recently I have felt myself sliding back.


I met a wonderful man recently and want to be able to explore the possibilities there. I thought I had moved on and accepted the end of my previous relationship, but I think that this new person coming into my life has opened up something I am confused about. I don’t know what to do or how to shake this. I thought I was on the right road to mending and finding happiness but now I’m scared and fearful of being hurt again.


My ex gave me nothing, has nothing to offer me and was never ready for a relationship with me. He loved me yes, but when things got very intense and I found a way into a place within him that he vowed to never let another woman, he bolted. I know deep in my heart how he felt - and I believe still feels for me. How can I let these feelings of “maybe” go and enjoy the new possibility that has come into my life?

Relationship help forum: dumped by text message reply


Dear *Carey (not her real name), There should be no reason for you not to allow this new guy to be your rebound. Sometimes when we’re very hurt the only thing that helps us to move on is a rebound person. To be fair to him, let him know that you’re just out of a relationship that ended badly for you, and that you’re not looking for anything serious. This way, you’ll know you’re doing the right thing by him (and for yourself). He won’t expect much, so if you’re not giving your all, he will (more likely than not) understand.

It sounds like you’re not completely over your ex. You’re feeling bad because you made so many sacrifices for him. This is only natural. If he was the guy down the street whom you didn’t have to move for and whom you didn’t change your life for, the break-up wouldn’t have hurt so much. You’re counting your loss and all the time you spent changing so much for him – only to end up with nothing but a text message.

You feel that at this point in your life, that he was your chance of happiness. He failed you, so this felt like he took away your chance of finally being fulfilled in a relationship. You’re also reeling because your instinct told you even before you got with him, that you were probably not doing the right thing. You ignored that wise voice inside your head, only to your own peril. You can’t believe you didn’t heed your own advice.

This is all over now. It’s simple for me to say move on, but it’s not an easy thing to do. To answer your question of ‘How?’ Just let this new man be your rebound guy. Take it easy. You’re moving way too fast by thinking that he is a ‘new possibility.’ He’s just a date who will take your mind off your heartache until you’re strong enough to be ready for another relationship. Think like this, believe this, and you’ll be able to get over this in time. It’s never too late to find love. My aunt did it when she was 52.

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7 comments:

Harleena Singh July 15, 2013 at 4:44 PM  

Hi Anne,

You gave the perfect advice :)

I know it can be tough for anyone to get over their ex, and here she still loves him it seems or the letting go isn't coming that easily. But if you want to move ahead, you have to learn to let go and move on life.

Thanks for sharing. Have a nice week ahead :)

Judy SheldonWalker July 16, 2013 at 1:27 AM  

Some men have a difficult time with commitment. Mine was one. He had a couple of scarey marriages and decided to never marry again. Once he admitted that I was content to let him be on his way but he was not willing to let go. We made up and have been married for 8 years.

I love the advice you gave. We need a breather between an intensive relationship and the next one. I always found that I tried to find someone who incorporated within the things the last one lacked and was not able to focus on the whole being, so I did better on the next one.

myletterstoemily July 16, 2013 at 5:01 AM  

my 27 year old daughter and i were just talking
about how much a NOT serious rebound rela-
tionship can help the heart ease away from a
hurtful relationship. the key to this is that
both parties know the non-serious nature of
the rebound relationship.

Anne Lyken-Garner July 16, 2013 at 9:19 AM  

Hi Harleena. Yes, it's very difficult to move on when we still love the person in question - like in this case. It's easy for us to say, 'Get on with it' but much harder in reality to put this into practice. Hope she got the strength to do it.

Anne Lyken-Garner July 16, 2013 at 9:21 AM  

Hi Judy. Yes, commitment can be a problem - not only for men, but for women too. I guess like you said, we always tend to focus on what the other person did not have and we are bent on finding someone who has it.

This is a danger when going from relationship to relationship. This is why the rebound relationship can be a good thing sometimes. It helps us focus on what's really important.

Jeremy Norton July 24, 2013 at 1:48 PM  

Some people do come to our lives and will eventually go living us lessons to ponder. It is indeed hard to let go of your love, but you have to give value to yourself also and accept the fact that you should move on with your life without that person.

Self Sagacity July 25, 2013 at 5:47 AM  

Some people never get over their ex in certain ways. Great advice. Life is too short to waste your time on someone that isn't good enough for you.

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Anne Lyken-Garner is a published author, editor and freelance writer. Her specialities include relationships and confidence building. You can find her inspirational memoir here.
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