Relationship Help Forum: Honesty The Best Policy

Here's another instalment of our Relationship Help Forum articles. Today we talk about honesty in relationships and if it's better to state your point of view before the relationship gets too deeply involved. Tammie (not her real name) did so in this true story and wasn't sure it was the right thing to do at the time. Here's her story. You can find the Relationship Help Forum page here, where you'll read other real life stories.

Dear Anne,
I’ve been hanging out with this guy as friends for the past month and a half. He’s always really nice to me and really flirty. Always telling me I’m pretty etc., and is also respectful and mature. I did tell him that I just wanted to be friends from the beginning since at the time I had just broken up with someone. We usually hang out at this party every other weekend since his cousin is the DJ there. We spend most of the night together dancing with the exception of the few times I talked to other guys and got their numbers. I was open about it and he got jealous when I talked to anyone else.

They have a lot in common

However, after spending some time with him and getting to know him better I discovered that we have a lot in common and really started enjoying his company and liked that he was so fun and easy to be around. I was definitely attracted to him.

They have fun together

He’s also a personal trainer so I’ve also worked out with him a few times as well. I am really into fitness so I really like that we have this in common. The problem now is the last time we hung out at the party I noticed that he smoked some pot and I usually don’t date guys who do this. On our way home I asked him if this was something he does all the time and he said only with his friend - but he’s not proud of it. I also mentioned that I liked him and want to get to know him better but this could be a concern for me. I thought about it that night and was glad I was honest with him but didn’t want to give up quite yet.

Loss of communication

It was nice out the next day so I texted him and asked if he wanted to hang out and got no response. I called again the next day and he didn’t return the call. Finally, I texted one last time about 4 days ago and asked if he wanted to work out this week and he responded with, ‘Hey what’s up? I’ve been really busy this week. My schedule is hectic.’

I still have not heard from him….what’s going on here? I am afraid that I may have scared him off by revealing my feelings. I have not contacted him since then. Is it safe to say I should move on from him, he seemed really into me in the beginning now just somewhat distant. I don’t know if I’m assuming too much here.

And here's my response:

Dear Tammie,

I don’t think you need my advice. You seem to be sensible enough to have worked it out.

Jealous guy (not a good quality to have, even though some girls foolishly think it is) meets girl.
Guy likes girl, girl likes guy.
Guy smokes pot
Girl does not.
Girl is strong enough to voice her opinion.
Guy goes cold.

Look, he’s worked out that there’s no point dating you because you won’t fit into his partying lifestyle (some folk can’t party without drugs).
He’s at least decent enough to NOT get involved, and you’re better off having gotten away without starting a relationship – only to find out after things got serious.

Be proud of your stand, your fitness and your goals in life. You will find someone who shares them and who respects his body and mind as much as you do yours. There is no reason whatsoever for you to ‘make do’ with this man because you hit it off.
One thing to remember is that if you get involved now, he will say to you three years from now, ‘You knew what you were getting into.’ You don’t want that thrown back in your face.

Let him be.