Relationship Help Forum: Crush On A Married Man

This month our real relationship crises advice comes to a woman who has a crush on a married man. She knows it's wrong, but can't seem to get herself out of the rut. Remember that these relationship help forum stories come from a forum I ran elsewhere and are real crises being faced by real women. 

Of course, all identifiable details have been changed so all secrets can remain that way. Today we talk to *Dawn (not her real name) and help her see - by turning the tables - the error of her ways. Please see the other related stories on our dedicated Relationship Help Forum page.


Hi Anne,
I got quite a bit of a problem….
I think I am hooked on a friend, a married friend, who works with me. I like to call him and joke with him. But I think it’s getting to be a habit and I know that it's because I need to get his attention.

When there are times I can’t talk to him, I feel sad and pitiful because I am single and I don’t have a man of my own. I don’t know how to find one. I am a social person but I can’t find anyone at work or through friends, and I refuse to meet people through bars or the internet. It gets pretty lonely and sometimes it makes me cry because I just want to have some male company! (See our help page for singles here).

I want to get rid of this married man from my mind for once and for all and I don’t know how. I think it’s at the point now that he won’t joke with me any more and I’m missing that.
He’s like a drug, and I just want to let him be…. He’s married and that’s it! I work long hours, but with the free time I get I do volunteer. I meet a lot of people, but I don’t meet guys. It’s so frustrating, and I want to cry sometimes because it gets so lonely, that it hurts….

Relationship help forum: answer

Dear Dawn, let's draw an imaginary picture here: you're married to this man (the one you’re after). Now get a picture of the office flirt in your head - her smiles, her jokes, her too-short skirts. Got that? 
Now this woman is after that man – your husband. Sit down and write her a letter. What would you say to her?

These are the words you have to read to yourself. You need a good talking to, and only YOU can do it convincingly. So go do it. 
Women often talk negatively about men’s behaviour. This one is trying to do right by his wife and family. Let him.

Love comes when it wants to. Last night I went to an engagement party. The bride-to-be is thirty-seven and her future husband is forty. This is not the case of people putting off getting married. They only met five months ago and found love. 
Likewise, your time will come, don’t feel you have to trawl the ocean for men who already belong to your sisters (other women).

Have you got any advice for *Dawn? If you enjoyed 'Relationship help forum: crush on a married man' please share it on your social networking sites. Thank you.


Unknown March 17, 2013 at 10:31 PM  

Dawn, you can congratulate yourself in picking a man who not taking advantage of your vulnerability because many would. I have found myself in a situation where a man lied to me, said he was divorced and his "ex" wife slit all four of my tires and bought a handgun. She was not planning to use it for protection - she felt I was the enemy. He finally fessed up, but I was beyond embarrassed and hurt. There is someone special out there, but you will not be available for him when you are wasting energies on this one. Volunteering is good, but maybe there is somewhere you can volunteer that has single men. Become involved in activities that help you mingle safely. Don't be a home wrecker. You want to keep yours once you get him, right?

Anne Lyken-Garner March 18, 2013 at 8:50 AM  

Well said, Judy. I couldn't say it better myself. We all want to keep ours, so we should keep this in mind when we're looking for 'the one'.

Thanks also for sharing your story. As you said, some men don't confess to being married, so the man in *Dawn's story is an honest, good one.

ChopperPapa March 23, 2013 at 3:47 PM  

"I can’t find anyone at work or through friends, and I refuse to meet people through bars or the internet."

Regrettably she may be her own worse enemy. She's placed herself into the proverbial corner with no wiggle room.

As far as the married man..she already knows what she needs to do.

Jeremy Norton March 24, 2013 at 9:14 AM  

I do believe that love comes at its own time. Try to be sociable also not because you want to meet men, but so as not to feel lonely. The right man will eventually come your way the least you expect it. You are still lucky enough that the married guy did not take advantage of you.

Anne Lyken-Garner is a published author, editor and freelance writer. Her specialities include relationships and confidence building. You can find her inspirational memoir here.
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