Relationship Forum: Get Over A Boy Friend

The Relationship Forum is a special feature run by this blog to highlight some very real relationship problems being faced by women. These are taken from a forum I run elsewhere, but all identifiable details have been changed and the letters edited to fit this blog. I give you the problem and then the solution I offered. You can see other relationship problems tackled in here. Please do feel free to leave your thoughts on the matter.

get over a boyfriend: the road to recovery

Here's *Jennifer's story: (not real name)

Relationship forum: get over a boyfriend

Dear Anne, I’ve recently broken up with my boyfriend of three and a half years. I’m doing everything I can do to cope with losing him: Going out with friends, spending time with my family, staying busy etc. But for some reason I can’t move on.

I don’t know how to be on my own anymore and that scares me. I know it’s over with him and I am ready to move on but how do I do that when every part of me is still in love with him? I don’t feel like ME anymore ( I know it sounds pathetic but its true).

I feel as though I need to talk to him as we broke up through text message and I haven’t spoken since, but I am worried any contact will only make me miss him more.

I hate that this has affected me so much. I thought I was stronger than this. That I could deal with a little heart break. It turns out I was wrong.

Anne, please help me to get over him, I am tired of feeling this way.


Answer: get over a boyfriend
Dear *Jennifer.

It’s natural to feel the way you do. You don’t feel like ‘you’ at this point in time because your relationship with your boyfriend had become such an intricate part of your life, it was part of who you were. Now he’s not there your thoughts and feelings are all in a ‘different place,’ a place which doesn’t feel like ‘home.’ Essentially, a part of you has been ripped away. 

You'd be less than human if you didn’t still love this man. You loved him for 3 and a half years. Emotions don’t suddenly turn off because of a break-up.

A large part of the reason you feel so unsettled and unable to draw a line and move on is because of the way in which you broke up. This is certainly not the way to conduct such a traumatic event. It leaves everyone with unanswered questions.

My advice: You need to see each other face to face to say your goodbyes. You are strong, but no one is strong enough to absorb closure from a text message!

I suggest you do it properly. This is the only way you could start to draw from the strength I know is inside you, get over your boyfriend, find closure and move on with the the rest of your life. 

Time will indeed heal. Think on this, look forward to it happening, and you’ll start to see a difference.

What's the best way to get over a boyfriend?
In conclusion: what is the best way you've tried in order to get over a boyfriend? Do you believe in the quick-rip plaster method, or the slow, painful recovery? What advice did you receive and which ones helped the most? What do you wish you knew back then to help yourself heal faster? Getting over a boyfriend can be a difficult thing for many women. The more we share with each other, the better we get at finding ammunition to help us cope. Please share this article with someone going through a rough patch at the moment. You may also like to read the book below, written by Pauline Anderson, on how to get over an ex. 


Here are some more love help articles and others designed for single people. 

Relationship Forum: Lost Love

Relationship forum is a regular item run by this site to give some relationship help to women in general. The relationship forum element of this blog is taken from my advice column (edited, with all the identifiable details changed, of course). It sets out to address some of the more general problems faced by women who've been mistreated by their partners, and those unlucky in love. I hope that by highlighting individual stories, I can help more people in similar situations. 

Have a look at the previous relationship forums on this blog here:
Confidence to stay away
Relationship has left a hole in your life
Feeling destroyed at the end of the relationship
Finding him, only to lose him

Relationship forum: Here is 'Mary's' story of lost love

Lost love just before wedding day

Dear Anne, I am going through an extremely hard break up. I’m older have already been through a divorce, but this is worse. We were engaged to be married later this year, but he broke up with me three months before our wedding day. I really didn’t understand why. I have asked him to explain and he said I pushed him away. I guess there may have been times that I didn’t show him the attention I should have but I work full time while raising my kids.

Feelings of depression

At times I feel a little overwhelmed and want to go into hiding. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I have apologised and told him I would try harder to be more aware and not push him away. He said at this time he needed to concentrate on himself and he could only be a friend. He did say that maybe after he works on himself, things could change. I so want to hang on because I feel like we’re supposed to be together. I’m a religious person and pray about it. I hold onto the hope that it’ll work out.

Help!  Am I just grasping at straws? When I try to think of bad things about the relationship I have a hard time thinking of any.

My reply to ‘Mary’

Past mistakes in love

I can understand why it hurts so much. You felt like you had a second chance at happiness with a life partner, and determined to make this one work. When that didn't happen it almost crushed you. As the (supposed) wedding date gets closer, your pain - instead of waning, grows even more intense.

Maybe it was your inner turmoil of being scared you were going to make the same mistakes as your first marriage, that led you to push him away. While there may be an element of truth in this, it sounds as though your fiancé was partly to blame as well. It appears as though he is also unsure this will work.

The only thing I can say is that (and you won’t agree) it may be a good thing the split happened now and not after you were married. Being twice divorced would’ve only left you more wounded, and would’ve negatively affected your self-esteem.

Difficult to let love go

There doesn’t seem to be much you can do about getting him back. The most important thing now is to focus your time and effort into reassuring your kids. Remember that this break-up is affecting them maybe as much as it has affected you. They’ll try to hide their pain because they do not want to place even more pressure on you than you already have. So talk to them and reassure them that relationships can and do work. The last thing you want is for them to grow up with unresolved issues about relationships because you were too buried in your agony to help them through theirs.

You’re suffering I know, but your focus on healing them will take your mind off your pain, especially at this time when you should’ve been preparing to become a new bride.

Take stock of what love has left you

After this desperate period is over, take stock of what is left of the relationship. If it cannot be restored, determine to move on. You’ve been strong enough to do it once and you can draw wisdom from that episode to do it again. You’ll feel alone, so once the kids are okay, gather your friends and family around you and rebuild.

There isn’t time to run after this man, let go of him. I’m assuming he’s older, so if he loves you, he’ll know that he’s got to come running back soon or you’ll be gone. Tell him you’re stepping away and really do so. If he doesn’t come back build your strength and leave him alone. You found him, so you can and will find another.

The bottom line is that your kids have to be comforted and reassured. This break-up could’ve left them thinking it was their fault. But of course, you wouldn’t know this until you really sit down, take time off, and speak with them.

Sometimes relationships aren't meant to be

Find calm, find peace. When you pray, stop asking to be reunited with this man and instead, ask God to give you the peace to let go. Always remember that as a Father, God sometimes answers ‘NO’ to our prayers when He knows something isn’t good for us. It’s only natural for a parent to do this. If your child asked you for a weapon what would your answer be?

Maybe God has already given you his answer…

Conclusion - relationship forum: lost love

If you've been affected by similar circumstances, please feel free to send me an email from my contact page or in the comments below. Also, if you know anyone who will benefit from this piece, send it to them by email or share it on your favourite networking sites. As always, thank you for visiting The Relationship Blog. Have a look at the rest of the stories in the relationship forum series. They're linked above.