Relationship Help Forum: Break From Relationship

It's time again for our regular relationship help forum post. We take a real-life relationship crises, change the name and identifiable details of the people involved and post it - and its solution - here. We do this so that others afflicted with the same problems in their relationships can see the advice given and perhaps use it in their own lives. The Relationship Help Blog is all about helping you get the best out of your relationships. Today we look at *Jayne's (not her real name) story about her boyfriend and his decision to take a break from their relationship.

See the rest of the relationship help forum posts on this page. These real stories, taken from a relationship forum run elsewhere, can help you too.

Relationship help forum: break from relationship

Boyfriend wants to have a break

Hi Anne, I’ve just been broken up with by my boyfriend of 2 years. I thought he was the one and he never denied that I may be the one for him too. He broke up with me because he felt the urge to move on. He wants to be single for a while so he could have some casual relationships.

I realize that he’s much more immature than I am in terms of what he wants/needs at the moment but it hurts so much because he says he loves me very much as a friend. He’s still incredibly attracted to me and wants to stay in contact. At the same time he said that he was having these feelings of moving on for a while.

I needed time apart

I told him that I couldn’t talk to him for a few months because it was easier for me to get over him if we’re not in contact. He said this was fine. However, I get really upset and nauseous thinking of two things. 1: that he didn’t think it was worth growing up for me and what we had. 2:  the thought of him with other girls (though he’s said that he doesn’t plan on dating seriously for a while).

Why can’t men get it right

I just can t believe that it’s over. It was all lovey-dovey then - bam! He was fired. Then he was moving away. Males are dumb. I think that if we’d had this relationship a few years later that he wouldn’t be needing to sow his wild oats or whatever - and we'd still be together. Please let me know what you think. 

My reply - relationship help forum: break from relationship

Hi Jayne,

When you love someone your heart yearns so much for them that no matter what happens, you’ll fight to spend your last moment on earth with them. Is this true?

Your ex had some ups and downs, so he decided that as things were changing, he’d better get rid of a few hanging bits in his life, move away, and start afresh. One of those hanging bits happened to be you.

Relationship in the real world

You said that he never denied that you MAY have been the one for him. Did he actually say ‘MAY?’ Clear your head of ‘feelings’ for a moment and think about this. Does he want casual relationships or another serious one? His messages to you seem conflicted. What was the relationship like? Lovey-dovey does not cut it in the real world. Anyone can be lovey-dovey. What was his attitude towards you? What are his job prospects? What does he think of settling down? (Obviously not a lot). Is he someone you can see yourself happy with for the next 40 years? Would he make a good role model as a father?

Is he still the one?

Giving up on a relationship

I am perfectly aware that this is a very harsh reply to you. However, I think that I have to make you see that this is not a loss – in fact – it may even be a gain on your behalf. At least it was only two years. How would you like to have wasted 6 years before you found out that he never REALLY thought you were good enough for him?

I think you know that you have to give up on this relationship. I’m not sure what you mean when you say that he’s attracted to you, BUT still just wants to stay close friends. If he’s said this to you, he’s setting himself up to get casual sex from you WITHOUT the usual ties of a relationship. If you’ve said this to yourself, you’re the one setting yourself up for this. Is this what you want? If not, break ties completely like you obviously know you should, and move on.

As I’ve said many times before, not all relationships are made to last. Most of the relationships we will have in our lives – even with business partners, friendships, workmates, people we date – will be passing ones which fulfil their purpose at a certain time in our lives. We only hold on to a small percentage of the relationships we’ve had. This is precisely what makes them so priceless.

I think you know that the one you had with your ex, wasn’t.

I’m really not a rude person. I know that’s hard to believe from reading this post. I’m just trying to provide you with the wake-up call that you need.

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Anne Lyken-Garner is a published, author, editor and freelance writer. Her specialities include relationships and confidence building. You can find her inspirational memoir here: http://getconfidence.net/annes-memoir/