Relationship Forum: Dating His Ex

As readers and subscribers of the Relationship Blog know, the relationship help forum is a regular feature here. I put forward a real-life relationship problem faced by a woman who's written to me. I remove all identifiable details, edit the request, and repost it here along with my answer to her. 
Most of the relationship crises I've featured so far are slightly longer and more detailed than today's post. Nevertheless, today's relationship problem is one faced by so many women out there, I wanted to share it with you. *Judy (not her real name) below was fine with the relationship break-down. She was going through the process of recovery until she found out there was a possibility her ex boyfriend may go back to his ex. This is her story below.

Read the other real-life relationship situations at the relationship help forum page

Relationship help forum: dating his ex


Hi Anne, I just broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago. I'm getting over him, but I think he's about to get back together with his ex girlfriend. They're still in contact, and have been all through our relationship. He's never even told her about me and this really hurts. I know it has nothing to do with me, but this feeling is haunting me and making me feel really low. Please help me!

My answer to 'dating his ex'

Dear *Judy,
As you obviously already know, what your ex does no longer concerns you.What you do does not concern him either. You’re only feeling what is natural. If he had gone off with a new girl, you would’ve felt better about it.
Him going off with his ex makes you feel that he was still in love with her all the time he was with you. You may also feel that the time you spent with him was wasted on someone who always had their mind on someone they never got over.

Don't hold yourself responsible for the relationship breakdown

You will realise soon enough that you cannot blame yourself for his attitude. This only makes you unable to move on. Don't keep running it through your mind. This will only throw up bitter memories and thoughts of things that may never have even happened (with him and her while you dated). 
Your life is YOURS to live, not his - to make miserable. If you allow him to make you feel low, he has won. Why? Because he didn't value you in the way you should be valued. Don't treat yourself the way he has done. 

It seems that this man was never yours (his heart belonged to someone else). Go out there and find someone who’ll love you like you want to be loved. If you feel you’re worth it, you’ll press forward until you have it. Not half of it – the whole thing!

I'd love to know what others have experienced in relation to partners going back to their exes. How did it make you feel and what did you do to overcome it? Did you retaliate by dating someone else? Use a matchmaking service? Try to contact him? You can leave an anonymous comment if you wish. We can all help each other if we share how we coped in similar situations. Thank you for sharing Relationship Forum: Dating His Ex.

And if you'd like to move on from an ex, here's a couple of helpful books I can recommend. This post has now been approved by Los Angeles Matchmaker.


Harleena Singh June 9, 2012 at 7:02 AM  

Great advice Anne!

I think I would have said the same thing to Judy, because she shouldn't blame or hold herself responsible for the breakup, as I think it's mostly both sides that are to be blamed when a relationship gets sour.

In her boyfriends case, as she mentioned, he was even going around with his ex, while being in a relationship with her. This I think no one would be able to bear, and it's good that she broke up, because he was kind of playing a double-sided game with her.

I guess the best thing she can do is forget this whole episode, close the chapter with her, let go of her feeling she has for him. Once she does that she would be able to move on in life, and very soon find someone worthwhile, whose love will be 100% for her.

Thanks for sharing. :)

Anne Lyken-Garner June 9, 2012 at 8:28 AM  

Great advice, Leena.
I suppose many women, especially those who don't know their own self worth, stick with the man long after he started treating them badly.

Low self-esteem can make them think he's the best they will ever have.

This is why I developed a blog specifically for growing confidence.

*Judy in this case knew her worth and was prepared to get out even when it hurt. I say well done to her.

Thanks for stopping by and adding a meaningful comment to the post.

Anonymous August 11, 2012 at 10:23 AM  

I'm in problem with my ex girlfriend. I fall in love with her again. But she does not come bake to me. Now I want to get the best solution from you. Thanks a lot for your good advice.

get your ex back

Anne Lyken-Garner August 12, 2012 at 6:25 PM  

Based on the link you left at the bottom of your comment, I think you already know it's not a good idea to try to get your ex back. It's a disaster waiting to happen. The same things that made your break up are going to surface again as soon as you get back together.

Anne Lyken-Garner is a published author, editor and freelance writer. Her specialities include relationships and confidence building. You can find her inspirational memoir here.
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